I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last few years. I always knew that I tended to internalize things that bothered me or hurt me – but I never dreamed that I would discover how restraining this would feel to my soul.
I’m not sure where it began. But somewhere along the road in life, I learned how to be the “good girl.” And I relished in it. I liked being sweet, innocent, and charming. But then an unspoken box formed around me. It was like I had a certain mentality ingrained in me of the kind of person I should be. A good girl always acts a certain way; speaks a certain way. She’s a real trouper.
The problem to my soul comes when I am hurting. You see, I don’t just love with my heart. I love with all of my being. So when I hurt, I also hurt with ever fiber of my body. I don’t just hurt in my heart – but I heart in my head, and in my soul. And a “good girl” tries to “buck up” and be a good soldier when she’s disappointed or hurting. Right? I would usually acknowledge to someone close to me when I was let down or when I had my feelings hurt, but that would be the extent of it. I wouldn’t pour out my soul. And I should have because I would be feeling it in my soul!
I think there are many other women out there like me. Women who have learned to be respectful, kind, and to turn the other cheek. And none of those things is wrong. In fact, they are great traits. BUT – it can debilitating when you are acting one way and you are internally feeling another. Maybe you even do let your feelings out a little bit, but you feel like you should move on and aren’t really allowed the freedom to totally feel them.
I know. I’ve been in that position so many times.
You know what I am learning? I am learning how to break free of the expectations that I feel have been placed on me in my life. Whether those expectations were placed on me by myself, or others; I am learning that it’s okay to live life outside of those parameters.
It’s important to take your feelings to God first – and then to a close friend or family member second (if you still feel you need to.) It’s OKAY to be angry and to be disappointed. It’s OKAY to cry and to verbalize your heart’s discontent at times. It is what we do with those feelings that truly matter in the long run. If we can allow ourselves to resonate with our feelings, not fight them, and learn from them – then we can more easily move on and let them lie in the past where they belong. If we don’t… if we fight what we are internally feeling…. If we try to be brave when we really want to yell out to God and cry “WHY?”…. or if we stay soaking and wallowing in them – then we are building up unhealthy patterns in our life. Because somewhere, somehow we need to be able to be free to pour out our souls so that our souls are free to experience the next thing that comes along in our life.
Who are we to tell someone they are wrong for feeling what they feel? I’m quite sure that God wouldn’t ever accuse me of being wrong for feeling something so strongly. I’m wrong to place those expectations on myself, my children, my husband – anyone.
I’m on a path of emotional freedom. It’s one that is going to lead me to a place where no one or no thing can put a label on me. Its’ one where I’m going to learn to feel peace in laying others thoughts about me and my responses to MY life – at God’s feet. He will welcome and embrace me just as I am.
~ Dionna Sanchez has learned a lot in her life from the sorrows, disappointments, and challenges that God has allowed to lay before her. She shares what she learns with other women. Visit her blog at: http://emphasisonmoms.blogspot.com