My childhood dreams didn’t include gut-wrenching endless pain. I never set out to be crippled. My bucket list never came close to this.
Few people seemed to grasp the severity of my illness. Everyone seemed so carefree and happy. While my peers shopped for adorable Easter outfits for their children, I was at home gasping for my next breath.
Offense came easily. Patronizing comments bothered me the most: “Do you have good days and bad days?” No, every second of every minute is hell. Or, even worse, the benign noncommittal, “I’ll pray for you.” Please don’t tell me that. I need your HELP. I need my house cleaned. I need dinner on the table. I need my laundry folded and put away. I need someone to play with my kids.
Like I said, I was angry.
My only escape was in the Lord. He knows me. The mess in my heart wasn’t a secret to Him.
Countless times I cried out for relief. Lord, I HATE this! Please help me. Give me one hour without pain. I’m begging you for mercy.
Other days, when I was able, I drank in Scripture:
“O my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me.”Jeremiah 8:18
“For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin…O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God.Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.”Psalm 38:17-22
“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”Psalm 40:1-2
His words were like an old friend, who spoke what I felt but couldn’t quite say. God continues to strip my heart of rage. Layer by layer, bit by bit, He pulls back hurt feelings, displaced dreams, and wounded pride. Occasionally a temper tantrum rears its ugly head, which the Lord patiently excises while reminding me I’m a work in progress.
When anger takes center stage, life becomes miserable after awhile. If you’re like me, it’s exhausting carrying such a heavy load. I can only take so much.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30